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 The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread

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Heidi
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PostSubject: Re: The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread   March 2nd 2010, 8:23 pm

'The Bachelor' finale recap: The Dumber of Two Evils

But as anyone who's ever seen this show before knows, a glowing parental seal of approval is never a good sign. Remember last season? Jason's mom pushed for Melissa over Molly, because Molly gasp! had a career. And what did Jason do? He chose the girl mama wanted...for about 15 minutes, and then he went his own way. That's exactly the scenario that producers seem to be setting up for us here. When it's time for Vienna's visit, Jake is understandably nervous. ''All Vienna needs to do now is go in there and be the Vienna I fell in love with,'' he says. Well, if that Vienna is ''tacky,'' ''abrasive,'' and ''annoying,'' then the bachelorette sure gets things off to a perfect start. Bless her heart, Vienna really cannot help herself she moans about how she was ''stuck in an RV with a bunch of girls,'' and giggles gleefully about how ''the girls hated me from the beginning.'' This revelation is met with forced chuckles and tight smiles. Says Jake's sister-in-law Laura grimly, ''I don't feel like there was a lot of class in the way she talked about people.''

The needle on the awkward-o-meter remains stuck in the red zone for most of the day. At lunch, when sister-in-law Lindsay asks if Vienna had trouble getting along with some of the girls in the group, the bachelorette responds by staring at her plate, smiling mischievously, shoving pasta in her mouth, and eventually mumbling, ''I mean, a little bit.'' The reason, she explains, is because she's ''brutally honest.'' So much so that when Laura jokingly asks her, ''Do you think I look fat in this outfit?'' Vienna shoots back: ''Kind of!'' Oh, gurrrrrl, you do NOT go there on a first meeting, even in jest. All of this leads Mom to observe diplomatically, ''Vienna's not really connecting very well I don't think with the family.''

I think Vienna senses trouble; despite her confident demeanor, she seems to be crumbling a bit inside so much so she can't even give a coherent answer as to why she likes Jake. ''He's sweet.... He can be,'' she murmurs, barely loud enough to be heard over the torturous clinking of cutlery on dishes. ''I don't know.'' After this, Mom does not waste any time. She pulls Jake aside and tells him how much it bothers her that Vienna didn't get along with the other girls. ''If she had trouble with the girls, I worry about the sister-in-laws,'' she tells her son gently, ''and I also worry about you.'' It's interesting to see Jake's perma-polite exterior begin to crack under the pressure of his family's disapproval during this tense chat with his mom, he even shows flashes of defensiveness, especially when Mom asks if he can imagine that Vienna could cause strained family relationships down the road. ''I don't know,'' he says shortly. ''I can't see that right now.''

Okay, I want to pause here to pose my armchair-psychology theory about what is going on with Jake and his family. The Bachelor talks a big game about how he had a ''storybook childhood,'' and that his family's approval is key, but in the premiere he also mentioned that he is ''the only one in my family who's not in medicine.'' While he went on to say that his parents have always been ''supportive'' of his decision to pursue aviation over medicine, now I wonder if he's always felt a little bit like the odd man out...and maybe he resents that feeling. Perhaps the more his Mom, Dad, and brothers push him towards Tenley, the more he wants to at least on a subconscious level give them the finger by asserting his own choice rather than sticking with the Pavelka pack mentality. That could explain why he's so quick to defend Vienna in Casa Bachelorette, she was the odd man out, too.

NEXT PAGE: Jake gets muddy with Vienna and muddled with Tenley

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PostSubject: Re: The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread   March 2nd 2010, 8:24 pm

The Bachelor' finale recap: The Dumber of Two Evils

Okay, ridiculous theorizing over. Let's get back to this uncomfortable meet-the-family situation. After his chat with Mom, Jake's brothers tell him how Vienna's self-described ''brutal honesty'' is really just an ''immature defense mechanism.'' Meanwhile, Lindsay and Laura are politely letting Vienna hang herself with her own rope having already called Tenley a ''robot'' at lunch, Vienna goes on to tell them that she thought Tenley was ''annoying'' for not having opinions, and that Jake's not in love with her. Hearing that, Laura can barely hide her disdain: ''So won't you be shocked if he doesn't choose you in the end!'' Somehow, though, when Laura and Lindsay reconvene with Jake, they give him their approval Laura even tears up and says she feels guilty for judging Vienna. Miraculously, Mom claims to be won over, too: ''After talking with Vienna, I am no longer concerned about her ability to get along with people,'' she says, not quite convincingly. ''I think that she would make a very good wife for him.'' Okay, what the f--- just happened? Where is all of this positive feedback coming from? Either some money changed hands, or the producers decided to edit out giant chunks of these conversations where Vienna somehow redeemed herself.

Well, I guess it's a draw now, and Jake's going to have to make the final decision himself with the help of two final dates. Vienna's up first, and while she is initially less than thrilled to hear that they'll be visiting a sulfur spring, she brightens up once she realizes it involves smearing mud all over each others' half-naked bodies. (She marks her territory by writing ''I love you'' in the mud on Jake's chest.) The whole erotic encounter has Jake wondering for the thousandth time if his physical attraction to Vienna is ''clouding or getting in the way of, you know, what my heart's telling me I need in a wife.'' (For the thousandth time, yes, it is.) We then get to the dowry portion of the evening, where Vienna gives Jake the ''I'm not going to elope again'' promise ring her dad thrust upon her after her last marital disaster. (Did it come with a matching electronic ankle bracelet?) After all, nothing says ''I'm ready to get married'' like a ring symbolizing your past display of terrible judgment about marriage.

The next day, Jake greets Tenley at the docks, where they board a yacht for a tropical snorkeling trip. Everything seems to be going well, but later that day, the Bachelor is quiet and distant. He clumsily tries to raise some concerns to Tenley: ''Have you ever been a little concerned about, like, how the emotional chemistry between us is so, like, alarmingly hot and sometimes it feels like the physical chemistry is not quite as hot as the emotional?'' Further confusing matters, he insists that he doesn't mean sexual chemistry when he says ''physical chemistry,'' he means ''crazy, mad, passionate love.'' HUH? Backtracking even further, Jake then says he agrees with Tenley that they ''have heat,'' it's just ''building slowly.'' The understandably confused bachelorette furrows her brow and says, ''That's the way I think it's supposed to be.''

Later that night, Jake states the obvious again: ''Maybe part of it is I'm looking for things to be wrong with Tenley because she's so great for me.'' Tenley, though, is determined to get things back on track with the Bachelor. She presents him with a framed collection of pictures from their dates, featuring a handwritten declaration of love. And that's not the only way she's laying it all on the line; as the camera pans back from the duo making out on the bed, Tenley says in a voice-over, ''Tonight is the night that I'm going to prove to Jake that our chemistry is real in every single way.'' Every single way? Jake, I hope you've got some Red Bull on hand!

NEXT: Jake puts a ring on it

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PostSubject: Re: The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread   March 2nd 2010, 8:26 pm

'The Bachelor' finale recap: The Dumber of Two Evils

Dawn breaks on St. Lucia, and Jake is still torn. And if you think we're going to get any insight into his choice from which ring he chooses (we know that Vienna wants a princess-cut diamond with a thin band), you're outta luck. When the man with the Bling Briefcase arrives at his door, Jake in a totally contrived move takes two rings, because he ''hasn't'' ''made'' ''his'' ''decision'' ''yet.'' Sure you haven't, pal. Even though he claims to be ''flip-flopping, it seems like almost every 30 minutes'' between Tenley and Vienna, somehow in the course of the morning he manages to choose: ''There's one woman that has my heart a little bit more than the other.'' Wow, those are 14 words every wife wants to hear! On to the Proposal Podium! The ''ladies,'' meanwhile, each board a helicopter (no limos? controversial!) and head to the final rose ceremony. Who will land first? Where is Harrison? Why am I invested in the outcome? How is that I'm still pregnant? ARRRGH!

The first whirlybird lands, and out steps...Tenley, looking bronzed and lovely in a gold strapless gown. Harrison appears out of nowhere to escort her through the tall grass and to the edge of Bridal Battle Bridge. When she finally makes her way to Jake, it's not pretty. Let's skip the ''I love so many things about you'' preliminaries and just get to the result: The Bachelor barely holds it together before dissolving in tears. Tenley is not getting that final rose. ''I don't know, I don't know what it is,'' he chokes out. ''Something just doesn't feel right.'' While she is clearly devastated, Tenley responds with about as much dignity as anyone can in this situation she even tells him how much she appreciates his honesty, ''as much as it hurts,'' because ''I'm looking for a man to love me with everything that I am.'' As sad as she is, Tenley doesn't stop looking for the silver lining, telling Jake, ''Thank you for showing me what I could have.... I was able to give my heart to you and I'm not sad that I did.'' Okay, maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but I will honestly report to you now that I teared up watching this exchange. A round of applause, please, for poor Miss Tenley. She may have an almost unbearably squeaky voice, but in the face of this rejection she also proved that she has enough self-possession to realize that getting dumped by the fickle Mr. Pavelka does not mean she's doomed to take up residence in Spinsterville.

Well, we know what's gonna happen next, don't we folks? Let's just get it over with. Vienna arrives in a teal off-the-shoulder gown and what looks like a fresh dye job. Jake, in classic Bachelor bait-and-switch fashion, kicks off the exchange by handing her back the promise ring. Vienna looks like she's going to hurl...until a weepy Jake whispers, ''Vienna, I love you!'' and drops to one knee, ring in hand. Of course she will! Hand over that princess-cut rock, buddy, and cue Jeffrey Osborne!

Before I even have a chance to catch my breath/swallow the bile that's risen in my throat, it's time for After the Final Rose. Tenley comes out first, and while she still seems a little confused, she holds it together nicely when Jake arrives to (not) answer her many lingering questions. ''I don't understand what was missing,'' she tells him. ''When you left there was nothing wrong,'' he begins. ''I was exploring and pushing so hard because I wanted that magical spark to be there.... But in my heart something was fighting me.'' It wasn't really physical, he goes on to say, before repeating about 100 times that he doesn't know why he didn't feel it with Tenley. Well, that's the Bachelor for you: a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a dumbass.

NEXT: The Queen of Bitch Mountain is dead! Long live the new Bachelorette!

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PostSubject: Re: The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread   March 2nd 2010, 8:28 pm

'The Bachelor' finale recap: The Dumber of Two Evils

With Tenley gone, it's time to focus on the happily engaged couple. But first, Harrison needs to razz the often-weepy Bachelor for pulling a ''bunch of Mesnicks'' at various banisters throughout the season though the host only gives Jake credit for a ''half-Mesnick'' at the Beverly Wilshire hotel. It makes me happy to live in a world where ''Mesnick'' is a verb how about you? When Vienna comes out, Harrison doesn't waste time getting to what everyone's thinking: ''The tabloids, the media, have not been kind to you. Even some of the fans have not been kind to you. How tough has this been for you?'' Vienna says it's been ''extremely difficult'' to see the proliferation of ''fabricated'' stories from people who knew her in ''junior high.'' Jake laughs it off, saying, ''They're painting a picture of her that's uh, you know, that she has no values and that she's a really miserable person, and none of that is true.'' Vienna tries for humor ''I have a secret boyfriend that's so secret I don't even know about him'' but I guess someone on the staff forgot to flash the ''Laugh Here'' sign, because the audience is completely silent.

Whether America believes it or not, this couple says they're in love, dammit. Vienna is moving to Dallas right away, and while they want to ''get acclimated together'' before they get married, Jake says they have talked about tying the knot. For the love of God, why couldn't they have just ended the show there? Why did they have to drag poor Jeffrey Osborne out to serenade the couple, who obligingly launch into the World's Most Awkward Slow Dance in Front of a Studio Audience? The only thing that could be more painful is a visit from...oh, Lord, here she is, Queen of Bitch Mountain and yes, she IS the new Bachelorette. What. A. Surprise. She's in full-on humble mode, saying how ''blessed'' and ''thankful'' she feels, but you and I both know her true QoBM colors will shine through come May. And I hate myself for admitting this...but I'll be watching. Who am I kidding?

There it is, folks. We've come to the end of this ''journey'' can you believe it? I know you're not ready to let go yet, so after letting loose with all the rage/elation/confusion/amusement you're feeling in the comments section, check out Chris Harrison's final PopWatch blog of the season; he's got behind-the-scenes details about the final rose ceremony as well as those stinky sulfur springs. And for more with Jake's visit with his family, click on the deleted scene below, in which the Bachelor tries to get his Dad to tell him which woman to pick. (Nice try, pal Dad may be a softie, but he's no fool!) Thanks again for sticking with me these past nine weeks there's nothing better than sharing your love-hate relationship with (or is that addiction to?) a reality show with people who feel your joy and pain. So, folks, take off those ''I'm not going to elope again'' rings and let's talk Bachelor!

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PostSubject: Re: The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread   March 2nd 2010, 8:46 pm

Thanks Heidi! I love reading these articles Smile!

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HAPPY4LIFE
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PostSubject: Re: The Bachelor 14 Spoiler and Sluething Thread   March 3rd 2010, 3:35 am

This is sad if true about Vienna's mom:

http://tinyurl.com/y96qryn

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