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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 20th 2011, 1:49 pm

Happy belated Birthday, Blue!

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 5:52 pm

I made it trough Thanksgiving with only a few tears. (the almost 3-month old really helps, along with the other 2 nieces.) It was a nice day. Today a bunch of Daniel's friends came by to check on me and talk about him. I feel good.

Next Thursday will be his 20th birthday and we are getting together to send up chinese wish laterns.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 5:54 pm

blueeyed wrote:
I made it trough Thanksgiving with only a few tears. (the almost 3-month old really helps, along with the other 2 nieces.) It was a nice day. Today a bunch of Daniel's friends came by to check on me and talk about him. I feel good.

Next Thursday will be his 20th birthday and we are getting together to send up chinese wish laterns.

Ahhh that is such a nice gesture.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 5:58 pm

blue,

Hug wrap up in arms

so glad to hear from you and thank you for letting us know. I think of you often.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 6:05 pm

That sounds like such a positive plan blue. I'm so glad to hear that you are managing these tough times as well as you are and that Daniel's friends are finding ways to help you as I'm sure you are helping them.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 7:23 pm

blueeyed wrote:
I made it trough Thanksgiving with only a few tears. (the almost 3-month old really helps, along with the other 2 nieces.) It was a nice day. Today a bunch of Daniel's friends came by to check on me and talk about him. I feel good.

Next Thursday will be his 20th birthday and we are getting together to send up chinese wish laterns.

That's a truly lovely idea.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 7:26 pm

Beautiful idea.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 8:01 pm

I've never heard of Chinese lanterns that float, if I'm understanding correctly. Very cool. Maybe you could take pictures and post them here?

I'm glad to hear your Thanksgiving turned out nice. I detest holidays.

Thanks for posting, Blue. cheek kiss

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 9:00 pm

blueeyed wrote:
I made it trough Thanksgiving with only a few tears. (the almost 3-month old really helps, along with the other 2 nieces.) It was a nice day. Today a bunch of Daniel's friends came by to check on me and talk about him. I feel good.

Next Thursday will be his 20th birthday and we are getting together to send up chinese wish laterns.

I love that!!!! I just saw chinese lanterns last weekend when they let them go at our local boat dock for a young Mom who is fighting stage 4 cancer. They are so beautiful!!

I know birthdays are tough but I try to make it a celebration of Brian's life rather than mourn the day. I wouldn't trade having him on that day for anything in the world so I try to celebrate rather than be sad. I'm so glad you are doing the same and I know you wouldn't trade that day for anything in the world, either.

One day at a time and each day is another day of survival. We're gonna make it Blue!!

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 10:26 pm

Frances wrote:
I've never heard of Chinese lanterns that float, if I'm understanding correctly. Very cool. Maybe you could take pictures and post them here?

I'm glad to hear your Thanksgiving turned out nice. I detest holidays.

Thanks for posting, Blue. cheek kiss


They don't float, they have a heat source and they float up in the air. I loved the "I detest holidays", that made me laugh.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 25th 2011, 11:59 pm

blueeyed wrote:
Frances wrote:
I've never heard of Chinese lanterns that float, if I'm understanding correctly. Very cool. Maybe you could take pictures and post them here?

I'm glad to hear your Thanksgiving turned out nice. I detest holidays.

Thanks for posting, Blue. cheek kiss


They don't float, they have a heat source and they float up in the air. I loved the "I detest holidays", that made me laugh.

The lantern part is made of some kind of rice paper that won't burn. You light it and when it gets hot enough, they float up to the sky. Very beautiful!!
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 26th 2011, 12:09 am

Here's a pic of a lantern festival (they seem like such a beautiful event):

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   November 26th 2011, 1:15 am

blueeyed wrote:
Frances wrote:
I've never heard of Chinese lanterns that float, if I'm understanding correctly. Very cool. Maybe you could take pictures and post them here?

I'm glad to hear your Thanksgiving turned out nice. I detest holidays.

Thanks for posting, Blue. cheek kiss


They don't float, they have a heat source and they float up in the air. I loved the "I detest holidays", that made me laugh.

I am honored to give you that smidgen of laughter in an otherwise bleak existence. Love you, Dear Blue!


Glued, thank you so much for the picture. I have to see this event in person, it looks so lovely!
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 1st 2011, 11:59 pm

Happy Birthday to Daniel today.

I thought about you all day today.

I really hope the lanterns were everything you expected. I know Daniel was watching them from above and thanking you for keeping his memory alive.

Sending more good thoughts and hugs. This month will be over before you know it!!

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 2nd 2011, 5:41 am

Hug wrap up in arms
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 2nd 2011, 9:34 am

Hugs to you Blue!!
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 2nd 2011, 10:29 am

Blueeyed, I hope you were able to do the lanterns, but whatever way you honored Daniel was special, I'm sure. I was able to do a balloon release remembrance with a work friend one time on her son's birthday and it was very meaningful. ((Hugs)) to you!

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 2nd 2011, 8:37 pm

thanks everyone the thoughts mean so much to me.

But, the laterns were a bust! As Speedy and Current can attest, the winds here the last couple of days has been crazy. The first instruction is .... do in calm non-windy conditions. It was actually funny. We were able to get 3 to actually rise the rest - well let's just say 19 -20 year old boys with something to light on fire. We all tried and that's all that mattered in the long run. So many more kids showed up than I expected and that is what really makes me feel good.

I finally brought Daniel home; he's in his room where he belongs. Funny, but it gives me a little peace. I'm trying hard to turn a corner (or whatever phrase) and find me again. I love him and miss him everyday but I need to find a way to go on without him. (god that was hard to type)!

Thank you all so much for being here for me, I can never express how much it means to me.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 2nd 2011, 8:46 pm

Ahhhh I am sorry the lanterns were a bust but it sounds like it was a success anyway. I'm glad the day was good for you.

I am also glad Daniel is home with you and it has brought you peace. I think you sound really healthy. I always wish you were right here with me so I could give you a big hug.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 2nd 2011, 9:07 pm

Lori, thanks, but I swear I don't "feel" healthy, I feel crazy!

Ok girls and guys and I an ethical question. I was reading Dominic's thread and read about the "hacker" site.

Daniel of course has a Facebook account. I am not his friend nor do I have his email or password. I always go through my brother's account to get to his page. Due to Daniel's lack of activity (obviously) his page no longer pops-up in the Search and I have to go to the Friends page. Should I give this "hacker" site a shot?

I tried contacting Facebook and its a big hassle; I'll never get the info from them. Facebook will change it to an "in memoriam" (sp?) page and I don't really want that. I have to email Facebook his death certificate - which frankly I think is a bit much.

So what do you all think?
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 3rd 2011, 2:38 am

blueeyed wrote:
Lori, thanks, but I swear I don't "feel" healthy, I feel crazy!

Ok girls and guys and I an ethical question. I was reading Dominic's thread and read about the "hacker" site.

Daniel of course has a Facebook account. I am not his friend nor do I have his email or password. I always go through my brother's account to get to his page. Due to Daniel's lack of activity (obviously) his page no longer pops-up in the Search and I have to go to the Friends page. Should I give this "hacker" site a shot?

I tried contacting Facebook and its a big hassle; I'll never get the info from them. Facebook will change it to an "in memoriam" (sp?) page and I don't really want that. I have to email Facebook his death certificate - which frankly I think is a bit much.

So what do you all think?

I don't know about contacting a hacker site to get to his page. I don't know if you can trust people who are hackers.

I have the same dilemma, almost. Brian has a facebook page as well but I have no idea what his password is. Neither of us were using facebook 3 1/2 yrs ago but he did make an account in facebook and he has 30 some friends. I opened one up as well at the time, just to add him, so he is my friend. I would just like to be able to add others to his page.

I agree with you. I don't think we should have to submit a death certificate just to get access to their pages. If you find out anything, please let me know!! I would also love to have Brian's hotmail password, but that may have been closed due to inactivity. The one password I have is myspace. LOL A lot of good that does me.

I'm really glad you had a good turnout for Daniel's birthday. I know how wonderful it is to have our son's friends by our sides during those more difficult days. Just know, you are helping them as much as they are helping you. The fact that they want to be with you on those days is a tribute to you and the relationship you had with Daniel.

And most of all, I'm really glad Daniel is home with you. Figuring out how to live our lives without them here, just takes time.

And don't worry, I feel crazy too!! lol
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 3rd 2011, 1:27 pm

Thanks Kelli, I thought about late last nite while trying to go to sleep and it probably is a very bad idea. I would probably end-up with the hacker in my bank accounts. So I'll do what Facebook requires.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 3rd 2011, 3:44 pm

blue - I agree with Kelli. That hacker stuff scares me.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   December 11th 2011, 1:17 pm

I have always heard, that if you think you are crazy, you probably aren't. It's the ones that don't know they are crazy that really are! Make sense?
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 5th 2012, 6:31 pm

I know I'm not around much anymore, but I thought I might share some good news for a change:

I went back to work on January 3 and am thinking positively. This place is so crazy that it gives me 8 hours a day of peace. I also had my first "happy" memory last night of Daniel. It made me smile.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 5th 2012, 6:34 pm

Blueeyed, I'm so happy to hear that you are managing to cope. I admire your strength and I'm relieved that some of your happy memories are starting to surface.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 5th 2012, 6:58 pm

That's wonderful new blueeyed! Kiss of Love
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 5th 2012, 6:58 pm

Thank you for sharing, Blue! cheek kiss

Those good memories can be so beautiful. I've had many of my mom.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 5th 2012, 7:26 pm

Hug wrap up in arms
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 5th 2012, 11:50 pm

blueeyed wrote:
I know I'm not around much anymore, but I thought I might share some good news for a change:

I went back to work on January 3 and am thinking positively. This place is so crazy that it gives me 8 hours a day of peace. I also had my first "happy" memory last night of Daniel. It made me smile.

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy for the happy memory!!!!!!

I'm so happy you are back to work!!! It sure beats sitting at home with your thoughts all day!

And just think, Spring is right around the corner and the holidays are over, at least for this year. And the best part is, you made it thru!!! Hug wrap up in arms
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 6th 2012, 12:16 am

So glad you 'checked in,' blueeyed, and shared your peace with us! I especially liked reading that you smiled with a happy memory of Daniel. Keep on keepin' on!!
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 6th 2012, 10:12 am

That's wonderful Blue!!!!! cheek kiss
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 6th 2012, 5:24 pm

Thanks for checking in Blueeyed. big hug
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 12:28 am

Its been a little over a year since I checked in......

I want to thank everyone here for all the support and love that I received. You will never know how much it meant to me. I wish I was as hopeful as I was a year ago.

Kelli and Simple (and anyone else that has lost a child) I don't know how you have learned how go on and live a positive, healthly productive life. I am so lost in a sea of darkness I don't think I will ever find my way out. I pray everynight for my son to come and get me. I cry all day, everyday. I have lost my job, my house will be next and I just don't care.

My family doesn't even mention my son's name anymore, its like if they pretend that I'm ok, I will be. I'm just so tired. I can't see or want a future anymore and I don't have the courage to do anything about it.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 8:37 am

((((((Blue)))))))))

Your family might think they are helping by not talking about your son but I think you should talk about him all the time.
Tell funny stories about him or when he was naughty and drove you crazy....and cry while telling them if you need to.
It sounds crazy but it does help with the healing.
He will never be gone from your life, he will always be there in your heart...always.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 10:59 am

Blueeyed, it sounds like the depth of your loss is overwhelming you and I don't know how to help you but I wish I could.
We are intimately interconnected to those we love and what connects us to one another so deeply also breaks our hearts when we experience a loss like yours.
I feel like your family's misguided attempts to speed up the grieving process aren't helping you. The courage to tell them that you need to talk about your son may be beyond you right now but I wish I were right there beside you to listen.
Grief and depression are so intertwined and I know doctors can't help with your grief but they may be able to help with your depression though you may have already walked that path medically.
I know that sometimes it's hard to even find the strength to get out of bed or to care about what happens to you but I care and many of us here do. Please continue to struggle to get there.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 12:34 pm

(((HUGS))) Blue. ITA with Maureen and CJ.
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 2:28 pm

(((blueeyed))) I wish there was something I could say or do to help you. I lost my grandmother (she was more like a co-parent) more than 20 yrs ago and it took me a long time to deal with it. The only way I could was to remember the times she made me laugh, to remember the things she loved...roses, wrigley's chewing gum, life savers, songs. I know it sounds stupid but it helped me realize that I had more good times with her and I focused on that instead of focusing on how cancer completely destroyed her physically. As I'm typing this, I have tears in my eyes because I wish she had died more peacefully. It doesn't compare to losing a child, but I wanted to share how I was able to deal with it. And it's okay to cry. I hope you do find your way out of your grief. It might take yrs or it might be never, but I hope you find something that does make you smile again.

I really wish there was more I could say or do. Sad

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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 3:14 pm

Blue, it's been 4 years for me and I don't know if I'm living a productive life yet. All of this takes time and it's the hardest journey you will take.

You and I lost our only child and to us, it seems like the end. All i can tell you is that I know our boys wouldn't want us to stop living because they aren't here. We have to live for them. We have to honor them and make sure everyone remembers their names.

I truly understand that you want to give up and that it's difficult to care about other things. I don't know if you are still seeing a counselor or a doctor regularly. If not, please make an appointment with your local doctor. Meds can help somewhat. I know it won't bring your life back the way it was, but it can help ease some of the pain. A counselor can also help you.

And please call me again. I would love to talk to you and offer some other suggestions on things I have done to help get me thru the past 4 years. I won't lie and tell you it's been an easy path. I just got sick of being sad all the time. I'm also very lucky that i have an employer that allows me to take time off when I need it, otherwise I would be in the same situation as you are now.

I am off all day today and I will be home. Please call me. You don't even have to talk if you don't want to, just call. If you need my number again, send me a message on facebook.

Hugs to you!!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: Blueeyed   January 27th 2013, 3:17 pm

Yes, call Kelli. It does sound you are in a deep depression. Have you talked to a professional? All I can give you is a virtual hug.... (((( ))))
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